Headlines

           “BUDGET CUTS FOR EDUCATION!”

           “60 BILLION EDUCATION DOLLARS AXED!”

           “80,000 STATE TEACHERS TOSSED!”

           “STUDENTS BEG CURBSIDE TO BE EDUCATED!”        

           “SCHOOLS RACE TO BOTTOM!”

           “STUDENTS, MAN THE PICKET LINES!”

           “PARENTS, WARM-UP THE CHECKBOOKS!”

           “TEACHERS, PASS THE PLATE!”

           “LEGISLATURE VOTES SELF A RAISE!”          

           

            “Good evening, Parents and Staff. I am County Education Superintendent Knott Dublaame here with an important update.

           

“Our office received notice that the district needs to trim nearly ten billion dollars from our school budget. This would mean pink-slipping 80,000 teachers, all counselors, librarians, aides, office managers, secretaries (administration exempt), nursing staff, custodians, custodial assistants, grounds keepers (maybe not, tractors new), road guards, volunteers (typo?), and others (just relevant to advancement of civilization.

“Further, the parcel tax of two years ago will automatically renew; new parcel taxes A through T will be instituted starting at the new school term; property taxes will rise another 15%; the short-term supplemental tax initiated 15 years ago will increase 20% starting this term; kindergarten classes will now hold 60 students; overhead projection units, office furniture, and personal computers will be moved to a bidding process.

“Further, all students’ supplies will be charged to parents. Music, art, shop classes will be discontinued. All sports will be charged a 50 dollar fee—football exempt. After-school homework clubs and afternoon care costs will be raised 75%. School “walking-in-the-door” enrollment fees will be raised from 80 dollars to 3000 dollars per child—no large family discounts. Parking fees will be increased 50% for both teachers and students. Meals will no longer be served.

“If you want to retain P.E. and science, parents will have to pay for them out-of-pocket!”  He exits.

The education industry focuses on the price of education, not its value...obviously!  Public school is almost more pricey than private school!

Next:   NCLB.  Superintendents, did you not get the memo 10 years ago?!